I don’t know about you, but from the Atlanta shooting on March 16 and the U.S.-China talks on March 18 to the Boulder shooting on March 22, I feel like I was on an emotional rollercoaster.

The vigil we had in Denver for Atlanta victims gave me some hope (at least some people in the community care about what happened). My 10-year-old was so scared before she went, but the vigil has given her courage and strength. I am very appreciative of my friends (mostly my sociology graduate school friends) who have reached out to me and asked if I was okay after the mass shootings.

What enrages me the most is American’s nonchalance towards what happened. Personally, I am more traumatized by some people’s reactions to the mass shootings than the shootings themselves. It seems to me that there are two types of people. Some I know are either so disconnected from reality (“The news is full of propaganda, so I have cut it out of my life and don’t know what happened”) or show no reaction whatsoever. The second type could not understand why I was so upset (at least they were being honest about it) and disagreed with me in seeing what happened in Atlanta as racially motivated. This latter type thought what happened was an isolated incident and did not understand why it was necessary to give a fuss.

I was also angered by some Chinese people who questioned the decency of the female victims. I’m speechless that some Trump fans (including some Chinese people I know personally) still do not believe that the shooting actually happened and continue to affirm that “news is all fake and even the mass shootings are acting.”

None of my co-workers asked me how I felt. I guess most minorities at work experience this: the feeling of non-existence. But I do not blame them. Being politically correct is paramount at work and it is awkward to show feelings. Most white people probably do not know where to begin when talking to a non-white person. This is what I dislike about the concept of microaggression (another term for subtle or unintentional discrimination). I think awareness of this could be good but can also create unnecessary fear for whites to communicate with a minority person, which further limits opportunities for intergroup interaction. Personally, I am all for creating more dialogue between racial-ethnic groups on a personal level and do not like to exact peoples’ connotations. Ask me anything; I’m grateful for your questions, ignorant or not! However, I realize other people of color may feel differently. Thus, people still need to make sure they know the person they are speaking to well before asking about any sensitive issues.

Even though there has been an emerging trend to have conversations on Equity, Diversity, and Inclusion (EDI) almost everywhere (such as at work and in schools), I feel there is a wall there and most people just want the sweeping tide to pass. For most, the learning is superficial at best and life goes on afterward without there being much soul searching.

I believe one of my Black friends was right, the majority of us are racist in our own way. Each and every one of us needs to look within and learn from each other. We are not immune to racist ideas simply because we belong to a minority group. Asians (at least Chinese people I know) are notorious for being racist against Black people and I have seen quite a few Black people targeting Asians and yelling the C-word at Asians on social media during the COVID-19 pandemic.

What happened in Atlanta is not an isolated event. It has been years in the making. Asian men have always been desexualized and Asian women have always been oversexualized by Hollywood and pop culture. The way Asians are treated in the U.S. is tied to anti-China rhetoric. Asians are the scapegoats. China-U.S. relationship seems to have dropped to a new low after the two-day meeting concluded on March 19; most Americans do not care while most Chinese people care too much. Both sides were eager to show their toughness, but Americans are not used to a tough China. It makes me sick to my stomach to see that Asians had to take the blame for all these issues.

What happened in Boulder is still evolving, but please do not tell me that is an isolated incident. This could happen again if we do not probe deeper. People need to see that this might be related to mental health issues in refugee communities where people are isolated and kids are being bullied at school. Anti-social personality disorder does not just come out of nowhere.

I hope Americans can dwell on this and think about what is wrong in our culture and society. It is a very confusing culture, especially for new immigrants; people are so disconnected from each other. To me, the U.S. is swallowing its own bitter fruit; guns and drugs are tearing communities apart (especially areas with larger minority populations) and bringing endless family crises and social unrest.

America is in moral decline. Money and fame are valued unreasonably higher than intellectual knowledge. Trump was right about the news not being perfect. But, sorry ex-president, it’s not about being fake. U.S. TV news is too narrowly focused. There are rarely any stories about other countries. It’s not as informative and dumbs things down. Not every American is nonchalant about the issues, of course. I’m grateful for people like the stranger who yelled ‘Hi’ to me out of nowhere. You might not know how that warmed my heart at the time of crisis.